Has dating apps made us superficial? And, is Instagram making us prioritise external image. Is social media making us the most judgmental generation yet? Relationship educator, Kelley Nele, also answers some of the questions of why digital media prioritise image and how it could be impacting your self-esteem.
At a time where we all seem to be glued to our phones, endlessly scrolling and constantly consuming new content on a constant basis, it’s not hard to comprehend how our mindset when it comes to social media is seeping into how we perceive ourselves in reality too. Whether it’s the confusing Instagram algorithm, twitter’s harsh hot takes, or the constant comparison between influencers on TikTok, the digital word is all full of criticism and comparison. And, its fixation seems to predominantly focus on how people look.
Are we at risk of becoming the most superficial and judgmental generation yet? Social media has opened up the scope for groups of society to interact that would have never before, it’s educated people on issues they wouldn’t have learnt about without it, and has given a megaphone to those voices that couldn’t be heard otherwise. In many ways, it’s arguably creating a much more inclusive and open society. However, it can’t be ignored, the pressures and expectations it seems to be putting on so many of us, especially when it comes to external image.
With filters being plastered across pictures, constant fit checks, selfies, theirs’s so many different types of content which feels like it only further adds more focus on people’s appearances. Allow us to be become more conscious about how we look and unfortunately also, how others do. Wondering if someone is a ‘catfish’, or comparing their online presence to how they show themselves online. There seems a growing pressure, for young women particularly, to make sure they present themselves in real life as they do online.
Kelley Nele, a relationship educator with a background in psychology, believes the influence of social media has led to a society who are pickier and more judgmental. She says, “Studies have shown social media use affects people’s self-esteem greatly, engagement can help people feel a sense of community and importance which could be something they can lack in real life.” Hence the danger of how easy it can be to begin to rely on how our social media presence can give us validation and confidence.
It’s arguably easy to get one good photo, when you’ve taken 400. Find the perfect angle, the lighting is flattering, a nice filter etc. But someone viewing that image isn’t going to think about the hundreds of other pictures that don’t look as perfect. So in turn, it just creates peoples expectations of how they need to look to grow and amount to them feeling rubbish about themselves. Not only this, but it just adds to this unattainable expectation that we shouldn’t have any flaws or imperfections.
Another aspect of the digital world, which seems to play a big part in why we may be becoming more superficial, is the rise of dating apps. We can aimlessly scroll for hours, swiping through hundreds of people’s profiles. Profiles which show 5 or 6 of their selected ‘best’ pictures and we are left to judge if we like someone, often solely based on those images. When you’re being shown such a vast selection of people, it’s no wonder our expectations our raised and our judgment becomes far harsher because you have an endless amount of options online. Dating apps like tinder and hinge are pushing us to be far more judgemental based on appearance and care far less about others attributes like someone’s humour, hobbies or just general personality.
Kelley says, “Dating apps have definitely made people pickier and more superficial, there are plenty of studies that show that people swipe based on things like attractiveness, race and dress sense.” Dating apps are great to widen our scope of possible partners and be introduced to people we may never have met otherwise, but maybe we should reflect more seriously on what we are considering when we are choosing to use these apps. Maybe, we have to re train out brain not to judge someone’s outfit, or a photo that may have bad lighting, or how someone has posed in a selfie. Instead, we should take more time to consider possible partners instead of often being guilty of just comparing them to the last. Dating apps can quite easily let us say no to someone who may be perfect for you.
“People prioritise people on dating apps with better quality photos on their profiles,” says Kelley. “Another aspect is volume, the never-ending sea of potential love interests. This makes people more willing to let people go because of a minor inconvenience because theirs’s always someone else around the corner, or they are less likely to commit because their holding out for something ‘better’.”
Social media allows us all to sit and analyse ourselves and each other for long periods of time, with nothing to think about other than how they look. When you meet someone in real life, of course you might note how attractive or put together they are, but within a few moments you’re in a conversation and that becomes what you are focused on. Online, you see a picture of someone and you can sit looking at it for however long you want, comparing yourself to them, judging every aspect of their outfit, hair, makeup etc. It’s much harder on social media to remind yourself that there are far more important aspects of someone than the image you are scrolling past for that brief moment. Maybe subconsciously we are then carrying this mindset into our real lives.
Kelley says, “People can also become addicted to engagement and the fleeting nature of it, it can make people feel bad about themselves when then the engagement isn’t high.” Social media is so impressionable and present in society right now, so understanding why so many of us can slip into putting big expectations on how we use it isn’t a shock. Yet, as long as remain self-aware and catch ourselves being judgemental or too superficial then maybe we can start to use social media as less of a log of our appearance and more just a authentic and fun insight into our real lives.
Maybe with the age of social media which doesn’t seem o be getting any smaller any day now, it’s important we question why we care so much about the external image we’re portraying online and less about making sure we’re sharing our personality, interests, thoughts and opinions. Maybe next time you go to judge a picture of someone online, stop to think about something about that person that goes beyond appearance that you admire. And equally, maybe reframe why you decide to post your own content and whether we can change the intention to be less superficially influenced, I know that’s what I need to start doing.
Expert insight: Kelley Nelle
Kelle Nele is a sex and relationship educator and writer. She has written articles for readers digest uk, metro, lgbtqnation and other publications discussing all things relationships and sex.
