“That was fun, we should do that again sometime?” you hear the stranger you just spent that one night stand with say, as they hurriedly put on their shoes and edge closer towards the door. With no snapchat, phone number or any essence of who they are except for a wallet left behind, you feel a wave of insecurity wash over you as you wonder, “Why do I always feel like this after a one-night stand?”
Casual sex, or more commonly known as a ‘hook up’, is the unspoken rule between two people that promises a night of passion and fun without any strings attached.
We have all seen them in the movies, the cliché scene when the beautiful main character catches a stranger’s eye from across the bar, and the world stops as they both gaze longingly at one another.
Then it fast forwards to them stumbling around in a lift, passionately kissing before the lift doors shut, and the rest is left to our imagination.
One-night stands are usually portrayed positively for women on television, but is the movie’s perception of a one-night stand similar to the reality?
Well, The National Library for Medicine found in their research that women generally experienced more negative psychological consequences than men following casual sex. With a lot of the female participants saying, “I had a hook-up because I was feeling miserable”.
Not only this but some women also reported feeling insecure, worthless and rejected after the reality of a one-night stand kicks in, that the stranger you spent the night with left abruptly without even telling you, their name.
22-year-old Bristol University student Charlotte explained her experiences with casual sex and said: “My first one-night stand was with this guy at Uni, and I was so drunk that I woke up the next day and had no recollection of what had happened. I felt used and the worst part was he didn’t even talk to me afterwards. I was humiliated by other girls, and convinced myself that I was the most hated woman on earth, all because I had slept with a boy.
“After that I didn’t have many other one-night stands, but the one’s I did have made me feel awful. I felt like I never gained anything from them, as I never received any pleasure whatsoever.”
Sadly, Charlotte is not alone as many women experience the orgasm gap, with a recent study from the International Academy of Sex Research showing that men climax 80% of the time during a hookup compared to only 40% of women.
So, if this is a common occurrence that women are left unsatisfied and used due to their lack of orgasms, then why has this problem never been addressed?
Leah Spasova, a psychologist specialising in sex and relationships said: “Because women continue to fake it, and why? For the guy’s self-esteem? No, if he is terrible in bed then tell him he was terrible! I once kicked a guy out because he was awful, and in the middle of it I was like this is not working for me you need to go. He said, ‘Can you finish me off?’ and I said do you think I care about you finishing when you are nowhere near the orbit of getting me close too? So, I booked him a taxi and booted him out. And this is exactly what women need to be doing to get men to care about our pleasure. If you don’t care about my pleasure, I’m not going to care about yours.
“That’s why casual sex is about you and what your expectations are. If the casual sex you have is for your own pleasure, and you take care of your sexual needs then it will be a good experience, because you are looking after yourself whilst having it.”
21-year-old receptionist Olivia said: “I go into a one-night stand with the mindset of I’m getting something out of this, and I’m not doing anything to please anyone else but me. One-night stands are never that serious, and sometimes make hilarious stories.
“For example, I call this one man ‘egg guy’. I met him in a club, we got talking and at the end of the night I brought him back to my accommodation. Although in the morning I woke up alone, so I went down to the kitchen to see where he was, when I noticed my frying pan was out on the stove. Not only this, but there was also an empty carton of eggs on the table, and all the eggs from our flat fridge had been used. He had let himself out, and kindly left behind an unwashed plate for me to wash up!”
There is a valuable lesson that we can all learn from egg guy: 1. always hide your frying pan and eggs before inviting somebody round and 2. put your sexual needs first as your experience matters just as much as the other persons.
Shelly Diprose,47, psychosexual therapist explained another reason behind why some women can feel low after casual sex, she said: “Sometimes women can end up having one-night stands because they’re seeking validation. It’s that whole excitement of seeing that someone has spotted me in this room full of gorgeous women, and this guy’s looking at me, which is really validating.
“But then if you then go have sex with this guy, and he never speaks to you again, or ghosts you then it can make you feel insecure or low. Because you view yourself as not important as you could have been anybody. Which then leads to feelings of what’s wrong with me, and why does this keep happening to me?
“But we’re only humans, we want connection sometimes. If you are having casual sex and constantly feeling crappy afterwards, weigh out the pros and cons of is it worth it? And remember that validation comes from within. We’re going to make much healthier connections with people if we don’t rely on somebody else to validate us, because we are enough.”
Ellie Carlin, 29, Administrator said: “This one experience I had of a one-night stand completely enhanced my current view on how healthy they can be. It made me realise that one-night stands can empower women, as it lets us know what sex is best for us and gives us the power of choice.
“It was when I was on holiday in New York with a friend, and I decided to hop on tinder and meet up with this girl I matched with. We met at a bar, had a good conversation and then decided to go back to her apartment.
We got a bottle of wine and went up to the roof where you could see the entire empire state building. We had sex on the roof in the rain and then decided to go back inside, only she had slipped on the concrete stairs and cut her leg. We were both a bit drunk and found it hilarious, but continued in her bedroom and didn’t realise until after that her blood had seeped all over her duvet. I left the next morning feeling amazing with the whole experience.”
But what if your feelings of insecurity after a one-night stand don’t come from a lack of orgasms or from using them for validation, what if the problem cuts a little deeper?
Justine Clare, Psychosexual and relationship Therapist said: “Some mental health disorders can also cause hypersexuality, like depression for example. Where people may feel almost compelled to have casual sexual encounters in order to feel something. However afterwards they can feel used and rejected because the sex wasn’t enough to feel anything.
“This is why communication is paramount in sex, as it establishes what you both want from the experience. Take a look at Samantha Jones’ character in Sex and the City.
She communicates her own sexual pleasure and doesn’t depend on the man to give her what she needs. She says what she wants, and she gets it, which is what more women need to be doing to enjoy casual sex”
So next time you go into a one-night stand remember to practise it for the right reasons.
Use it as a tool for your own pleasure, and not for the validation of others. So next time when the stranger you spent the night with says “That was fun, we should do that again sometime?” you can answer “Yes we should.”
Expert insights:
Leah Spasova is a psychologist specialising in sex and relationships.
Shelly Diprose is a psychosexual therapist.
