Who doesn’t want to fall in love? The idea that this is your life’s purpose has been forced at us from every direction. Social media, films and endless dating apps, suggest that we should constantly be searching for the one, and even if we’ve found them, they should remain the centre of our lives. But do we ever stop to think about how this intense focus on someone else can ultimately make us forget about ourselves?
The prospect of a relationship can be so exciting and all consuming. You experience a whole new range of emotions which make you question how you ever survived without them in the first place. You’re suddenly part of an unstoppable duo and, whether you realise it or not, your life hugely shifts to accommodate it. Partying with friends gets replaced with wholesome nights in, one-night stands become deep intimacy and travelling the world is abandoned as your world is suddenly right in front of you.
For many who are boo’d up, the concept of being selfish and free roaming isn’t on their radar. The hobbies, friendships and self-care that once filled your time are being pushed aside to make room for the romance, and with this comes the threat of losing your independence and individual identity. All corners of your life are suddenly gushed with roses, rainbows and tingly tummies, and the previous, self centered version of yourself is at risk of gradually fading away.
Psychotherapist, Tasha Bailey, explained that giving all your love to someone, without also giving it to yourself, can lead to a loss of identity. “It’s very common for people to end up feeling this way, especially if we forget to put in boundaries and abandon our needs. We give all our time and energy to someone else, which isn’t the best for our wellbeing or living our best life.
“When we’re in love, our boundaries become blurred and individuality gets weakened, especially if we have a fear of abandonment. This can ultimately lead to co-dependency, where we believe we are solely responsible for the happiness of our partner. It can become an unhealthy cycle where we forget to look out for ourselves too.”
Tasha provided some warning signs that things may have become too focussed on the lovey-dovey side of things:
- Feeling disconnected from your family and friends.
- Neglecting your interests and hobbies that you previously enjoyed.
- Changing the way you dress, talk or act to be more appeasing to your partner.
- Difficulty trusting your own decisions or ideas.
- Losing your confidence.
- Underlying feelings of anxiety, resentment or disappointment.
- Noticing that your boundaries are fading.
- Lacking joy and authenticity.
23-year-old Jess struggled to cling onto her sense of self when with her ex-boyfriend for three years. “I definitely did have my own interests before the relationship, even if it was just reading or going to the cinema. I have an anxious attachment style anyway, so I just ended up being so focussed on everything to do with him. I’d bend over backwards to do whatever he wanted and definitely ended up sacrificing my own needs.
“It was only after we broke up that I gained my own individual identity again, and even that was a huge challenge. I wish I’d kept it throughout the relationship because I became so clingy and unable to regulate my own emotions, which was definitely a deciding factor in us things ending.
“I haven’t really seen anyone since because I’m terrified of it happening again. I’m really trying to enjoy my own company and feel more secure.”
To find and maintain balance in a relationship, Tasha emphasises that it’s important to carve out time just for you. “Get into a routine of scheduling solo dates and time alone to build that connection with yourself. If you feel guilty for centring your own needs, it’s probably time to journal and try to unpack that. Does it relate to your childhood, past relationships, family’s behaviour or your current partner’s reactions?
“Feedback within a romantic relationship is also so important. Regularly communicate about what is and isn’t working, as this will not only help make your relationship stronger, but also help prioritise your own needs.”
It’s clear that remembering to love yourself is just as important as loving your partner. It will encourage you to both appreciate your independence and your time spent together. There is nothing wrong with being in your lover girl era, but let’s not neglect the person who’s been by your side since day 1, and will continue to do so for the rest of your life (A.K.A YOU GIRL)!
Expert insight: Tasha Bailey
Tasha is a trained therapist and author, who focuses on giving advice about self love and healing. She is a mental health expert, award winning creator and has even written her own book, titled ‘Real Talk’. She has given expert advice in several magazines, such as Cosmopolitan, Vogue, Glamour and Women’s Health. Her goal is to help people manage their emotions, challenge negative patterns and unwrap previous trauma.
