Much like in Bridgerton 3, when Colin sees Penelope longing after Lord Debling, his feelings for her become even more evident. Why are too many of us also guilty of realising our feelings when someone becomes or is, unavailable or off limits?
It’s a complicated phenomenon that I’m sure many of you can relate to, the unexplainable attractiveness of wanting what is unavailable. Why is it that when someone tells us not to do something, we want to do it. “Don’t push the big red button.” Instantly we need to push it. “Don’t look inside the box.” We want to open the box. And, “You’re not allowed to date that person.” Suddenly that’s all you want.
I know I have definitely been guilty of only realising how I feel about someone when they no longer show interest. Often, I’ve struggled to know when my feelings are actually because of my relationship with the person or just when it’s dependant on their emotional availability. I’ll admit I am guilty of liking someone the more disinterested they may appear. Which is frustrating at the best of times. It seems like a straightforward and obvious issue to resolve, especially for those of you reading this who can’t relate. But for some annoying reason, nothing seems to make me work out what I can do to shift my mindset to become obsessed with he one I know I can have.
However, their may be a deeper and more long-standing explanation to give some answers to the many women who are guilty of falling into this bracket of people. Sophie Cress, Therapist and Mental health expert, says, “The attractiveness of an unavailable mate is frequently founded in cultural conditioning a variety of human behaviour traits. Perceived value rises with scarcity; things that are hard to get, gain more appeal.
“A psychological component that is involved is the challenge element. Pursuing someone who isn’t available might be challenging, and conquering obstacles can be satisfying. A sense of competition may be sparked by this dynamic, which may be connected to evolutionary tendencies where securing a partner requires rivalry with others. One’s self-esteem might be increased when one succeeds in winning the affection of unattainable person, as it validates one’s beauty and desirability.”
Everyone has different attachment styles so not everyone will relate to the feeling of only wanting someone when they’ve been told they can’t have them or it practically just wouldn’t be possible. I’m sure for those lucky enough to have a secure attachment style think it sounds bizarre to be attracted to someone who doesn’t want you. But from my own experiences, I know I for one hear frequently from women I know and friends of mine, complaining about why they’ve gone for the wrong person yet again when they know they shouldn’t. If only it could be more straightforward to retrain your brain to go for the person who isn’t out of bounds. It would have saved Bridgerton’s Penelope a lot of heart ache if she could just switch off her feelings for Colin when she felt he wasn’t interested.
Sophie says, “Anxious attachment styles could be especially drawn to unattainable relationships. This is a result of the long-standing anxiety about being rejected and abandoned. Following someone who isn’t available can continue a well-known pattern of tension.”
When it’s someone off-limits some frustrating and odd part of your brain tells you that’s all you want. And, the hardest bit is that you probably know deep down, if the person was completely available your desire to be with them would be lessened enormously and the mysterious allure of being with them seems far less exciting and idyllic.
Not only is this narrative shown in Bridgerton series three, but is a theme that seems prevalent throughout all three of the Bridgerton seasons between all three main love stories. In alternative and different way the three main infamous Bridgerton couples’ feelings come to the surface when they are given barriers our of their control or are rejected in differing forms.
In the third Bridgerton series, Colin and Penelope’s relationship is moved from the friend zone suddenly into something more after she asks him for a passionate kiss when wanting to gain some experience. Then when, witnessing Penelope pining after Lord Debling it seems to make him become even more fixated on his new found realisation of his feelings as he has to admire her from a distance, with now another suitor standing in his way. It’s that painfully frustrating that it can so often take someone or something stepping in the way or rejecting you for it to make you realise how you actually feel about them. It does beg the question if if you liked them that much to begin with, why did it take something getting in the way to make you realise how you feel.
“Someone with low self-esteem may unconsciously choose partners that validate their unfavourable opinions in themselves. A cycle of rejection and longing can by sustained by desiring someone who is unachievable,” says Sophie. “There for being attracted to people who aren’t available enables one to live out a fantasy which dangers of real connections are avoided.”
I’ve definitely noticed that at times when I’ve been struggling more with my self-esteem, I have probably slacked on my standards of how I let people treat me, whether that’s in relationships but also friendships. It’s a true saying that the people around you are a reflection of how you view yourself. So maybe, as we discuss how we need to change our feelings towards people we know we can’t have, it can only be addressed after you question your relationship with how you see yourself.
Sophie says, “Breaking free from the cycle of wanting someone you can’t have involves an approach of focusing on self-awareness, emotional healing and personal growth. Women need to challenge romanticized notions of love. This means questioning societal and media influences thar glorify unattainable relationships.”
It’s not new information to me or probably anyone reading this that early childhood experiences implement how we behave in romantic relationships when we’re older. Sophie Cress says, “Children who have inconsistent or emotionally unavailable caregivers are more likely to develop an anxious attachment style.
“Adults with this attachment style may become avoidant attachment types. Many times, these people repress their emotional needs and struggle with vulnerability and connection. So, they might find themselves drawn to unattainable partners in an effort to keep emotional distance and escape the awkwardness of intimacy.”
I’ve definitely never been unaware about the fact I’m sure my parents divorcing at 18 will have probably played a part to play in explaining some of my behaviour when it comes to romantic relationships. Although I’ve always been self-aware it’s something which will have impacted me in some way, I think I can underestimate how much this directly links to an avoidant and anxious attachment style.
I can be quick to be too harsh on myself and get frustrated. But after speaking with Sophie and being reminded that the thinking of wanting what you can’t have, doesn’t feel like a choice. It can stem from past experiences, unconscious biases and self-esteem. It’s a thinking which can’t magically be changed overnight but instead is something I have to more conscious to change because let’s face it, none of us are gonna find the right person if we carry on picking the ones we can’t have.
Expert insight: Sophie Cress
Sophie Cress is a mental health and relationship expert. She has worked with a range of UK publications.
