Different savings, career stages, past jobs, upbringing, financial support. Why despite the multitude of varying factors which contribute to the number in your bank account, can the urge to compare money with friends feel overwhelmingly hard to shake off. Psych-she delves into why the amount we are earning can cause us anxiety and conflict in friendship groups.
It would be nice to believe that money doesn’t affect friendships, especially when we are this young. But sometimes it seems inevitable that it plays an integral part in the dynamics of friendships. Money can sometimes feel like the one topic of conversation that despite how close you are with your friends, is off limits.
You might have a friendship group, all of similar age. Yet each one, will be at polarising financial situations and have contrasting perspectives of money. In your early twenties, you’re in an awkward transition period where everyone is still figuring their shit out, so everyone is at different stages of their life.
One friend could have a full-time salary working five days a week, whilst another is a student in their overdraft, working out how they can budget for a friend’s birthday dinner at the end of the month. As we get older the imbalance of salaries and such varying life stages will hopefully start to balance out more, but in your twenties that isn’t the case yet. It can seem overwhelming at times not to feel the crippling feeling of comparison between what your friends are doing and achieving at the same age as you.
“Entering your career can come with a sense of responsibility and the need to shape who you are in the world,” says finance professional, Alejandra Rojas. “We’ve heard sayings like “Make the most out of your twenties to build something for yourself.” But this creates societal pressure during formative years, life is constantly changing.”
Unfortunately, comparison culture is prevalent in most aspects of our lives, and when it comes to money it isn’t an exception. In your twenties you’re at a point when your career is blossoming and you have the pressure of choosing what you want to do. Why does it feel so hard to resist the temptation to compare your choices and opportunities to friends around you.
Their feels like there is often an underlying curiosity of wanting to know what your friends are earning, maybe it’s out of pure inquisitiveness but sometimes maybe it’s a way of self-sabotage which only makes us feel worse about our salary.
Alejandra says, “There will be impacts of discussing money openly, as long as it is coming from personal experience and is acknowledged that it’s not you trying to give advice. These conversations can foster trust, strengthen friendships, and allow you to connect on different levels.
“Trust your gut during these conversations and be mindful that everyone’s situation is different. The root cause of any behaviour you perceive is often outside the conscious awareness of the person.”
When discussing money and savings with friends sometimes it can feel like it can quickly become a competition or a way to compare with each other, but this shouldn’t be the case. When you are proper, long-term best friends, you can talk to them about anything without jealousy. Confide in them about your relationships, advice about outfits, discussing conflict with your family. Money doesn’t need to be the exception. Maybe if we could learn to have those discussions more openly with friends, we’d not only get some more advice but, it would offer some reassurance that it’s completely normal to be stressed and worries about money at this age.
Everyone has different boundaries with money, that probably stems from the fact everyone has different experiences and history with it. For some, they may have grown up witnessing parents struggling to afford a lot of things and working multiple jobs to pay the bills. Another friend grew up more privileged, not knowing or witnessing what is was like to have to think and question everything around money.
We shouldn’t be forcing our friends to speak about money when they don’t feel comfortable, but maybe attempting to initiate more money conversations, especially if its something you’re worried or stressed over There’s nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about. You might be earning half the amount as your friend right now, but that doesn’t mean that’s it forever. Cut to 20 years’ time, and you could be the friend buying the dinner for your table of friends and offering financial advice to them. Money comes and go’s and so does your situation with it. You’ll probably find the friend who seems like they have it all together, earning an excess amount of money, shares a lot of the same fears and worries that you do.
According to a study by Office for national statistics the median earning for women ages 22-29 is approximately £22,900. Maybe with the rise of social media the reason we put pressure on ourselves to have a certain amount of money, is the glamorous and expensive lives which influencers of our age are now flaunting online. For a lot of these women, the reality isn’t what they are portraying on social media, it’s continuing an unrealistic expectation of the lifestyle women in their twenties should be expecting to earn or sustain.
Alejandra says, “Nowadays salary is wrongly catalogued as measures of success. Society bombards us with messages that equate net worth with self- worth, blurring the lines between identity and possessions.”
Unfortunately, money does equate to being able to do different things and possibilities, if one friend has an excess of savings than her expectations of what her girl’s holiday will look like, is going to be very different to the friend who doesn’t have a job and wants to budget every day. “It can cause issues, but it shouldn’t,” says Alejandra Rojas.
“Money can be perceived as a survival tool, which could cause friction. It should open up the opportunity to see money from different perspectives. It can show you can aim for something different if that’s something you desire.”
Money is too crucial in our lives and entwined in our daily lives to be something to ignore all together. Navigating money with your friends can seem daunting but if we opened up about it more with each other, I think we’d be surprised at how much it would lessen our own fears and judgement over it. We don’t need to start sharing the number in our bank account with each other, but could the discussion over our feelings and thoughts about money a conversation to be had more often.
Expert insight: Alejandra Rojas
Alejandra Rojas is a money mindset mentor, an afro-Latina trauma informed finance professional and founder of The Money Mindset Hub, and the host of The Money Mindset Show dedicated to supporting entrepreneurs in their financial growth.
