From putrid minion tops, to an unflattering image appearing in her partners family group chat. Emily Hawtin shares her story on why she dislikes her natural face, and braves five days of wearing no makeup, to prove to herself that bearing your natural face does not cause public condemnation.
The first time I realised that I disliked my face without makeup, was last year on my boyfriend’s birthday in his family home.
To set the scene: I woke up alone in his bedroom at 10.am; unbeknown to me that his entire family had been waiting in the living room for my arrival, for the past two hours. Shit!
I scrambled around his bedroom, trying to find a concealer pot or a mascara wand to hide my fatigued appearance, when I realised I had forgotten to pack any nice pyjamas or makeup; all I had was my dishevelled and ugly Primark minion top.
Suddenly, my boyfriend’s voice bellowed from downstairs, and urged me to get a move on. I looked at myself in the mirror and sighed; this was going to make a great impression.
“Hi guys sorry I’m two hours late! Oh, where’s this top from did you just ask, Prada? No it’s Louis Vuitton darling.”
I did try to find other options, but his wardrobe was so scarce it was either the minion top or go commando, and to be honest I didn’t know which option was worse. I looked at myself in the mirror again, and reassured myself what was the worst thing that could happen? So, with all my dignity thrown out the window, I stumbled downstairs, and tried to ignore his parents eyes staring at my ‘unique’ fashion choice.
“Didn’t know you liked the minions Emily”, his dad chuckled. I blushed so hard that my face matched the stupid top I had on.
Yet again, I reassured myself that I would only be downstairs for a few minutes to watch my boyfriend open his presents, what is the worst that could happen? But the worst did happen.
As the next day, when my boyfriend and I were relaxing on his bed, he exclaimed: “Aw look, my mum just posted all the pictures of me opening the presents in my family group chat!”
My face dropped…what pictures? To my dismay, a plethora of images of me in this putrid minion top- with a gummy smile and pale legs- had been posted to his family’s group chat, consisting of 20 family members. I couldn’t believe how awful I looked.
When I got home, I thrusted the images in front of my flat mates face, and she threw her head back and laughed: “It’s alright Em you don’t really look like that.” But I do, I anxiously thought, I do look like that.
Yet as I hung my head in shame I wondered, why am I so ashamed of my natural appearance?
I understand that these photographs may given me an immense amount of grief, but I have had this face for 22 years, and the most confident I have ever felt was when I was a little girl. Running around in the playground with all my friends, and not caring about what people thought of my natural face. So, how do I take myself back to this childlike sense, of not caring what I looked like without makeup?
To combat my insecurity, I faced my biggest fear head on, and pushed myself to wear no makeup for five days. I wanted to see how I would cope, and to discover whether this expedition of fear, would transform into a journey of self love.
For moral support, I asked Katharine Wilkinson, a mental health support worker, to share her top tips on how to achieve self confidence. She said: “Look at the content you consume on social media, e.g. who you follow and compare yourself too. Limit the amount of time you spend on social media, which bombards you with beautiful women, and unrealistic beauty standards.
“Also speak to yourself how you would speak to a friend, and think of yourself as your own best friend. Lastly, know it takes time. Don’t put pressure on yourself to change your perception overnight; self love takes time and hard work and this will come with ups and downs. Recovery is not linear, and relapse is also part of recovery, so be patient.”
So, with Katharine’s advice in mind, I felt properly equipped for the next five days of torture.
On the first day I hated it; I felt like the hunchback of Notre Dam, and wanted to hide my naked face from the judging eyes of the public. Yet I pushed through, and thought I would try different hairstyles the next day to make myself feel better.
Therefore, on the second day I straightened my hair, and felt ten times better. With my sleek, blonde hair nothing could take away my confidence, and I strutted into the University library with a cape of confidence wrapped around my shoulders.
The next three days were not a linear process- like Katharine described- and I did ‘relapse’ a few times. But even when I felt a surge of embarrassment rip through my body, I carried on. Fortunately, at the end of my journey, I realised that I had become very used to my naked face.
Whilst I experienced a mixture of emotions throughout my journey, it felt rewarding to come out on top, and I realised that my insecurity only lived within my head. No one else cared, or noticed a difference. I was not stopped in the streets to ask whether I was unwell, and people did not stop in their tracks to flee and take cover from my face.
I learnt that the fear only existed within my mind, and did not manifest into real life unless I fed the insecurity what it needed to thrive: self criticism and shame. Makeup free or not, who actually cares! At the end of the day my friends still loved me, and my family still loved me, and that was all that mattered.
And there are a lot of women who have already started debunking their no makeup fear, as a Kantar study in 2022 discovered that there has been a 19% decrease in make-up sales since 2019 within the UK.
So, in our minds we think that as soon as we wear no makeup, a huge spotlight will shine down on us, and everyone will gather around for the circus act. But that does not happen.
We need to remember that we are all beautiful in our own way, and if society doesn’t think so, then sod it! Because I am sick of catering to society’s expectations of what a ‘natural beauty’ should be, and I am proud of my makeup free face.
If you don’t like the way I look without makeup then sod you too, because through my journey of self love, I have realised the only thing that matters is that I am happy.
To see the full video of Emily facing her fear follow our TikTok account.
Expert insight: Katharine Wilkinson
Katharine Wilkinson is a 22 year old mental health support worker, and works for Creative Support Manchester, who offer a range of services to people with various mental health needs across the UK.
