Friends are like a good bra, they support you, lift you up when you’re feeling low, and make you feel good about yourself. But sometimes, like the saggy underwear elastic offering zero support, friendships can leave you hanging.
“I’m pregnant,” were the first words Amber told me as she laid an ultrasound photo onto the sticky wetherspoons table.
I traced my fingers over the image and embraced her, promising to be a great aunt to her baby. We had been friends since we were around 11 and went all through high school and sixth form together, we were inseparable. We had faced hardships when I had depression and sometimes just couldn’t leave the house to see her. But not long after, we walked the best part of 1000km together over summer and nothing felt better than laughing with her and walking through the fields of Northumberland.
When we were younger I once hid her in a bush in my garden, face down in dirt to hide her from her mum who was trying to take her home when we were younger. These feel like a lifetime ago. When a door closes, a window opens, thus Christopher was born and our friendships died a slow death. Her child is 2 next month and I’ve met him the best part of 3 times.
Then came some awkwardness when I realised I was the last of her friends to meet him and that our common interests were changing. But I tried to keep that friendship. As her best friend I, along with another friend Angela, decided to throw her a baby shower.
We wanted to invite her family and friends to an afternoon tea and for a garden party afterward. We had made reservations and we were about to begin inviting the guests. A few days later, I opened instagram and my heart stopped mid scroll. There she was, with her church friends, cake and banners in a garden party. A video attached showed it was a surprise party so she wasn’t to know, but I still felt hurt.
I never told her about our plans or mentioned the surprise one her friends held. It felt like another step of her going away from me. I’m by no means religious, I am an atheist and she is a devout christian, this never divided us but with her pregnancy looming her church friends seemed to cast me out.
I lost my friend. I don’t mean that she’s dead, but I mourn her in the ways that the friend I knew is no longer there. It can feel like an afterlife, being haunted by the guilt of letting that friendship go. Was it my fault? Did I not make enough effort?
According to relationship psychologist Sophie Cress, feelings of rejection are normal.
“Break ups in friendships can cause emotions such as inadequacy and abandonment,” Cress says. “As a result people could interpret the friendship’s breakup as a personal failure and hold themselves accountable for not being able to keep the friendship going. Hindsight bias can cause people to feel more accountable since they believe they should’ve seen it coming and prevented it from happening.”
If I knew this was going to happen I’m not entirely sure how I could’ve prevented it. I have blamed myself for leaving for so long. I went to university and she stayed home. I saw her a month ago and I hardly recognise our friendship. It felt like a break up and I wanted to get back together. But she changed and so did I. If I could rewind time I’d still be sitting here making these same choices. No one should have to rewrite parts of themselves to maintain friendships. Maybe the truth is that friendships are dynamic, not static.
Does this mean that you should keep trying even when it feels like it’s over?
Abbie, 23, shares her story of trying to rekindle her friendship. “My best friend Ruby became distant when our mums fell out, my dad left and my mum became physically and mentally unwell. I switched friendship groups in school, and I regret this. She’s now in UCL. I messaged her and tried to see her but she said it was too short notice. I hope she’s happy and that she’s killing it in life. The messages she sends to me are dry, and unbothered. I have found love and friendship now, I think these things can fill the gaps when you feel left behind.”
Research published in ‘the journal of child and family studies’ found that female adolescents seek social support to cope with stress more than males. Data also shows that women have better quality friendships and more attachment to those when in their adulthood. It’s no wonder we mourn what is ingrained into our minds.
Intense friendships exist undoubtedly, Emily, 25, recounts her experiences with her best friend. “We did everything from sleepovers to shoplifting, it seems insane to me looking back on it because we were just so driven by each other. When we had heartbreak it felt quickly soothed because it felt like we were soul mates. I moved away to go to university a few years ago and I admit I started a new life. I missed her but soon found out that our friendship was a bit too intense for my new lifestyle. She wrote letter after letter to my accommodation and called every night. I started to distance myself from her, I still feel guilty and I tried to make it easier by just replying later and later. I haven’t heard from her in six years and despite it being the most intense friendship, my closest ones are more gentle. They don’t encourage the worst in me. I feel upset about it to this day, but I knew it was time for us to part ways.”
So how do we stop the signs a friendship is ending?
“It can be an indication that the friendship has reached its end when it continuously delivers more negativity than positivity into your life,” says cress. “It may be a sign that the friendship is no longer healthy or rewarding for either person if you find yourself feeling exhausted, nervous, or emotionally spent after spending time with them.”
I spent so long trying to reverse the deterioration of our friendship, and find myself living in the past. Amber’s life looks so much better and I am happier for that, but why does it feel so hard when you know you’re out of the picture? I deleted our texts, the last one I sent asked her if she would be interested in being in this article. She said yes and asked what it’s about. Perhaps it’s cowardly, I still haven’t replied because I’m the one living in the past and she isn’t. Maybe I should’ve reflected on the friendship’s positives rather than the fact I lost her.
Cress advises we reframe the way we view losing a friendship. “Guilt is not inherently negative when it comes to losing friends, rather it can serve as a multifaceted role in the process of healing and growth. While guilt can often carry an emotional heavy burden, it can also serve as a catalyst for self-reflection and learning from the experience of friendship loss,” she says.
I look back at my friendship with Amber and I am grateful for it. One of the most beautiful aspects of womanhood is having a female friendship so powerful that you would mourn it. Good friends may be like good bras, but it’s ok to free the nip until you find an even comfier one. Remember: letting go isn’t about forgetting, it’s about making space for new beginnings. I believe that loss and pain means there was love there, and most of us would experience it again to feel the joy of the friendship we had. I think that’s what makes them special and we should still enjoy them even when they are temporary.
Expert insight – Sophie Cress
Sophie Cress is a licensed family and marriage therapist and mental health expert. Cress runs her own clinical practise where she draws upon her extensive experience. She holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology from The University of Alabama at Birmingham and a Master’s Degree in Couples & Family Therapy from Antioch University, New England.
