“Oh, you’re just like your mum at that age wanting to get out into the world and live by your own rules.”
But I just can’t understand it, because I don’t see the similarities in us.
My mum judges new characters spot on, she gets up before 9 and does the washing, and even has time for a dance around the kitchen whilst I sit hungover in bed on a Thursday morning.
At the age of 21 I want to be like my mum. More so than I did at 15 when I thought she was boring and I was so ready for the real world, but now I really want her routine, because she has it down and I’m spiralling and can’t remember the last time I changed my bed sheets.
She isn’t taking naps in the middle of the day, she isn’t late to really important events, her clothes aren’t consistently creased and she never forgets to take the bins out, and therefore doesn’t have an overflowing pile of ‘recycling’ in the corner of the kitchen.
I want to be like her, not live by these rules I made up for myself that make me feel like I’m living in chaos, unknown territory with no money, no proper routine and essentially… lost.
I’ve started to desperately crave being with my mum in the hopes of morphing into her as I fear I’ll never gain control over my life, but I’m constantly battling with myself as I know I should be living my life a little messy at this age.
NHS mental health nurse, Andrea Morris, spoke to me on the realities of being in your 20s and beyond.
“Everyone needs help. Everyone.”
“When you recognise your parents’ really great traits, you want to possess them in a time of need and that’s natural. Just like you may notice some traits in them that you don’t want to have when you achieve something great.
“In your 20s there is a transitional period into independence and you may then realise that you don’t know how to do basic things your mum did around the house like cook, sew or nurse yourself back to health.
“When I was 48 and got sick I was on the phone to my mum for hours getting advice and wisdom.
“It’s almost like when we’re in crisis mode, we don’t trust ourselves anymore.
“But a promise my mum made me years ago is that everyone is winging it.
“I’d still call my mum now because I trust her judgement because I turned out ok.
“But we have to remember that us turning out ok is down to ourselves too. We have allowed ourselves to be this ok, and we should trust ourselves. No one really knows what they’re doing.”
My mum shed some light on this too. She said: “You will surprise yourself on how much you pick up just from watching your parents routine when you’re younger. But I too would call my mum even into my 30s when I bought my first house and my babies wouldn’t stop crying or my car made a funny noise.
“I would watch my mum in action and think how the hell is she so calm in times of a crisis? but now I get it. It’s just experience. The more you see, the less stressed you are about your radiator leaking, your car breaking down or that relationship not working out.
“I just want women in their 20s to remember that the world is going to keep turning so just enjoy the unknown.
“One day you will feel like you’ve absolutely seen it all and just when that happens, something else will surprise you but you won’t be quite as panicked, you will probably laugh and await the day your daughter calls you with the same issue.”
When I was young my mum never stopped feeding my excitement for the day I moved out, got a licence and my own money but she still giggled a little that I Googled ‘why is my right eye twitching?’ and ‘why didn’t the bin take my blue bin 2 weeks in a row?’ because she knows that she has been there, and it’s normal to sweat the small stuff when it’s your first time.
I watch my student kitchen get really messy because me and my housemates seem to eat loads of boxed pizzas, but no one wants to take it out. I also have stains on my clothes that I’ve washed 3 times that just won’t come out and I still, 3 years after moving out, struggle to balance my work, home life and spending habits but I feel like I’ll get there one day.
And it’s true, all of these things my mum does have a grip on, but she has a couple of decades on me and it’s all down to experience.
Not many people bounce in their 20s with everything figured out.
I do really want to be more like my mum, but I’m also excited to await the day that happens, because not having any idea can be quite fun too.
I just want to start seeing what they all see, but that’s ok, she tells me I will with time.
Expert insight: Andrea Morris
With experience in prisons as serious as Strangeways, Andrea has not only been a qualified nurse for 33 years but also specialises in mental health work with those who need support, medication and reabilitation.
