Who knew one word could be so anxiety inducing. As you check back to see the unopened message, the word delivered remains in your inbox and you unwillingly come round to the idea that a response is not looking likely.
I don’t think any of us like to admit that something as insignificant as a text back has the ability to bruise our ego but what is it about impatiently waiting for that notification to come through that makes it feel like a personal attack?
‘’When we get offended by a lack of response, it’s often because we are applying in-person rules to a digital reality,’’ says Psychotherapist, Jessica Hunt. ‘‘Imagine being face-to-face with someone, initiating a conversation, and they completely ignore you, that’s what it feels like when you get left on read.’’
As someone who is guilty of leaving people on read, I am never doing it maliciously or even to get a reaction, but hypocritically when the tables turn it sends me into overdrive. We are in a society where everyone is attached to their phone, to the extent where I think the majority of us will be having a 10 second scroll on the toilet. So, sorry if I get my back up that you haven’t replied but I know you have seen my message.
‘‘Being “left on read” can be a passive aggressive way for someone to signal to us that they don’t care about our needs or their desire to be hurtful. When such situations happen and our feelings or needs are unmet, particularly by someone who we want to have acknowledge them, it can reduce our sense of self-worth, negatively impacting our self-esteem,’’ says mindset psychologist, Dr Rebekah Wanic.
Whether it’s maintaining friendships, relationships or you are embarking in another talking stage there always appears to be a power dynamic in texting. Who puts more effort in? Who gives blunt responses? It is inevitable that there’s always going to be someone more invested.
‘‘Communicating over text gives the texter more power and control over the when, where and what takes place. With features like read receipts, we also know when someone has seen our message, and this gives us access to the other person’s behaviour in a way that leaving a voice message doesn’t. Therefore, it not only empowers the texter but extends into accessing what the receiver is doing.’’ says Wanic.
It is clear that the emotions we experience when there is no +1 message notification on our iMessage app are completely valid but as someone who always likes to think the worst, is something as simple as texting just another thing to the list that I am overthinking?
‘‘What we fail to consider is what someone is doing when they get our message. We wouldn’t interrupt someone who was clearly busy. A device constantly in our hands means we’re endlessly multitasking and often not in the best place to respond immediately,’’ says Hunt. ‘‘We may also want to consider our response – a luxury we don’t always get in person, where there isn’t a permanent record of our response. So, we put it off, only to overthink it or get distracted and forget.
‘‘There is evidence that the immediacy of digital communication along with things like immediate access to digital purchases and fast, same day shipping have worked collectively to cultivate a sense of entitlement that what we want should happen immediately.’’
In simpler terms, we have all grown restless where the thought of not receiving something instantly has the ability to kill our mood. But with Hunt’s words bringing me back to earth or maybe even fuelling my delusion I will be remembering that the next time my self-esteem is on the floor, it’s not that they are uninterested, they simply care too much about how to phrase their response.
Expert insight: Jessica Hunt
Jessica Hunt is a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist who aims to empower others. Whether it’s fostering healthier relationships, deepening self-awareness or enhancing empathy.
Expert insight: Dr Rebekah Wanic
Dr Wanic is a mindset psychologist who works with individuals to help them overcome challenges and reach their potential goals. She is an expert in social psychology and has a particular interest in how people’s mindset can influence their outcomes.
