Unfiltered confessions, profound pep talks and the flourishing of female friendships, the girls’ toilets serve a purpose beyond practicality.
It’s a scene that plays out in every bar, pub and club across the country. You name it, if there is a working toilet, women are setting up camp. As the beer goggles begin to take pride of place the sticky floored cubicles often lacking in loo roll appear inviting, and the broken seat and un-flushable toilet radiate grunge chic.
For a lot of us this is a familiar setting, myself included. On this particular night I had never been so thankful to seek refuge in these cramped, dimly lit, graffiti covered toilets. It was 2021, I was newly 18 revelling in my new found freedom of freshers week and the UK had finally returned to normality post pandemic. Club nights were still a novelty to me, I entertained men I had no plan of encountering again and bought rounds for my flat in a desperate attempt to make a good first impression.
As the night progressed our group of six dwindled down to two. Everyone knows it’s risky navigating a club in a duo and those concerns became my reality. I got replaced. I was left third wheeling, awkwardly side stepping and hoping my friend and her temporary man for the night would come up for air.
Whilst I was wishing the ground would swallow me whole, I got approached by a boy. He must have sized up the situation and thought I would be the perfect target for his painstaking small talk. He was progressively getting more comfortable and I began brainstorming how to shake him off. Trying to keep my cool and not alarm him I said, ‘‘I’m just going to the toilet but I will be right back.’’ Before he could respond I darted through the crowd and made a beeline for the toilets with no intention of ever returning.
Dr. Marisa Cohen, a relationship scientist explains how the public bathroom environment can offer a retreat from sensory overload. ‘‘When out in a club there are so many stimuli drawing our attention elsewhere. Going to the toilet essentially allows us to unplug from all of that, as there is nothing to distract us. This facilitates the tendency for people to turn toward one another for connection purposes.’’
In those moments of chaos, whether it’s escaping questionable advances, praying someone has a condom to hand or simply topping up your lippy, the girls only zone, which is the public bathroom, offers a brief respite.
I for one had never felt such relief to see the ladies sign. This feeling was shared by 20-year old Olivia Spencer who found herself reliant on the kindness of strangers as the girls’ toilets acted as her hideaway.
‘‘I was in my first year of University in this new city, I was with new friends in a new club and I realised I had lost both my phone and my friends. The panic that came over me when I had no way of contacting or finding them made my heart drop.
‘‘I literally broke down in tears in the middle of the dance floor. My first instinct was to just head towards the girls’ toilets, my subconscious and drunken state knew that someone in there would be able to help me.
‘‘I went in sobbing and this group of girls didn’t hesitate to help, they rallied round me, reassured me and helped me contact my friends. I was so grateful that they were so quick to help, and that is what is so special about female bonds, regardless of who you are they want the best for you.’’
You step into the toilets and are transported to a whole new realm where discovering a saving grace is highly likely, is this a mere coincidence or something more?
‘‘There is an element of safety for women that cannot be ignored when you are going to the toilet,’’ says clinical psychologist, Dr. La Keita Carter.
She feels that in a public bathroom environment women are at their most vulnerable which is what emanates the strong sense of solidarity.
‘‘Women are naturally social creatures. One psychological theory about women relying on each other is tend and befriend, which means that when women are under stress they tend to befriend. So they look to family, friends or even strangers to get the support that they need, much more so than men.
‘‘I will not say all women, but many women are natural nurturers. They’re natural at being socially in tune to what they are experiencing and also what they are seeing or feeling from others. We are socialised to be around each other a lot and to depend on each other when someone’s having a problem,’’ she says.
The united front that presents itself behind those four walls goes unspoken, we read the room and act accordingly, creating a safety bubble that is often denied outside.
The girls’ toilets acted as a catalyst for change for 22-year-old Evie Green who gained clarity in her personal life.
‘‘It’s this space where everyone is just apologetically themselves and there is this feeling of camaraderie in the girls’ bathroom. It doesn’t matter which girls are in there, you are all just best friends opening up about experiences,’’ she says.
‘‘I was with my boyfriend of two years; I had always been really happy and I would describe him as my school sweetheart. My new friends and I were on a night out, nothing was out of the ordinary and I hadn’t said anything negative about my relationship up until this point.
‘‘We all went to the toilet, me and three girls all stood in the cubicle, rotating around the toilet seat. Everything was moving very fast, and it felt like a whirlwind. I then sat with the lid down and just burst into tears, hysterically crying. I literally just said the sentence, ‘girls, I don’t know what to do because I need to break up with my boyfriend’.
‘‘These girls didn’t know me particularly well at this point, so this came as a massive shock to them as much as it was a shock to me in the moment that I was spilling this. But straight
away they were comforting me, I really felt supported and bonded with everyone in the moment.
‘‘It was such an emotional rollercoaster because after we left the toilet the eyes were dried, someone patched up my makeup, and we re-joined the bar.’’
So, just what is it about the girls’ toilets that allows us to dish out secrets in the first five minutes which if at home may have taken hours to scratch the surface.
‘‘The experience of going to the bathroom can be a useful time to strike up a conversation as people may be waiting in line with nothing else to distract them,’’ says Dr. Cohen. ‘‘This facilitates the tendency for people to turn toward one another and create a connection.’’
‘‘Going to the toilet is one of those things where women do more in the bathroom than men. Sometimes we’re fixing our tights, we’re refreshing makeup or sometimes we’re just taking a breather,’’ says Dr. Carter. ‘‘I don’t think that men use the bathroom for those purposes, men are using the toilet for the most prominent purpose. Women are also using the toilet, but we are using it to recollect ourselves and it provides the opportunity to pull back and connect with people as you get a moment of intimacy; whether that’s saying, ‘oh my gosh I really want to leave’, or ‘I really like the guy across the room’. That moment of connection that we get from each other is hugely important.’’
Renowned for not ever wanting to take full credit (perhaps our only flaw), the infectious kindness that gets amplified as you are resolving a wardrobe malfunction or perfecting the squat and shake routine may not solely be just a by-product of our femininity.
Instead, society may have given us a helping hand in fostering these desirable traits that are heightened alongside the buzz of the hand dryer.
‘‘One reason why people may focus more on female bonding is because we have been socialised to think that this is the norm for females,’’ says Dr. Cohen. ‘‘The media through movies and TV often depicts going to the bathroom as a time in which women travel in pairs and socialise with one another. Therefore, while there are psychological and evolutionary underpinnings, it is further magnified by the media.’’
Although we are often sick of society’s expectations of us, when it comes to bathroom etiquette, I am eternally grateful for the silent protocols that have helped me out a few too many times.
‘‘It is clear that socialisation works. We have bought into the fact that women need other women and I think that’s a good thing,’’ says Dr. Carter.
Whether you need a confidence boost, require an escape from the overstimulating music or the one too many cocktails are making a reappearance, the girls’ toilets are your fourth emergency service. When crisis calls, the hotline is on hold for when and how you wish to use it.
Expert insight: Dr La Keita Carter
La Keita Carter, PsyD is a licensed psychologist. She specialises in women’s issues, relationships and sexual wellness. Dr. Carter is also the owner and CEO of the Institute for HEALing, LLC (iHEAL), which is an award-winning, nationally-accredited wellness agency
Expert insight: Marisa T. Cohen
Marisa T. Cohen, Ph.D., LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist, relationship researcher, and teaches college-level psychology courses. Dr. Cohen is passionate about discovering and sharing important relationship research from the field.
