Bridgerton season 3 has arrived, which means yet again the bachelors are awaiting for the reveal of the ladies to be revealed to society for marriage. It may feel like today the pressure to find a partner has moved far from this outdated set up. But is this really the case? Or, similar to Bridgerton, when everyone around you is becoming committed to a relationship does the allure of staying single quickly diminish.
Single life can be full of independent possibilities, going out till 3am with no commitment to message anyone your home, you have sole choice of your tv series, or not feeling like you need to look put together on a Tuesday evening when all you want to do is rot in bed. The days of our parent’s generation expecting to be married by 23 are gone and the days of thriving in single independence feel very much here.
However, that’s not to say the pressure to find a relationship is now nowhere to be seen, it might just show itself in different ways. It’s easy to see the fun and exciting side of single life when you have surrounded by a good group. You have friends to invite round to cook dinner with, go on chaotic Saturday nights to the club with or having a gym buddy to reluctantly work out with on a Monday morning. But what happens when all those friends around you start getting in serious relationships and the daily care-free meet ups become more rare than frequent.
“I loved my single life; my relationship was my friendships.” says 22-year-old Olivia. “We did basically everything together, they’d be round every night to watch love island at 9pm, we’d alternate making each other dinner most nights, we’d even be co-ordinating our weekly food shops together. If we were actually together, you’d definitely find us on face time. I remember that summer and look back so fondly as being one of the funnest times of my life. I think it’s unlikely we’re going to ever experience that again, where we’re all single at the same time.
“One night it did just feel like I woke up, looked around, and suddenly they all had a boyfriend. It was such bad timing, no gradual change, they all found someone within a matter of 6 weeks. In the early stages obviously, everyone tried to include me but naturally that changed. To begin with it didn’t affect whether I wanted a boyfriend, because I genuinely didn’t feel ready for one, after being a long-term relationship for 6 years prior. It was harder to keep that mindset when I was stuck inside for the fifth night in a row without having any social interactions.”
Relationship and sex educator, Kelley Nele, says, “The reality of friends being partnered in couples with the over-valuing of romantic partnerships can create a feeling of being left behind. This can make anyone feel bad about where they are in life and even inspire them to seek love out.”
I think like most things in life, doing it in numbers makes anything easier. Research by Behavioural Insights team demonstrated how social norms influence people’s behaviour. The study shows people are more likely to engage in behaviour if they believe it’s common or endorsed by others. When the people’s who opinion you value most, are all doing things polar opposite to you it’s tricky to resist the natural human instinct to follow suit.
In Season 3 of Bridgerton, Eloise Bridgerton, has to for the second time, face the reality of being ‘introduced to society’ to be set up with a suitable gentleman to marry. Her reluctant and careless attitude is very much one of the relatable characteristics which makes her loved by viewers. But It’s clear she has a lack of motivation to settle down with a husband, and her romantic relationships are far down on the list of priorities. Yet, with peers like Cressida Cowper and Penelope Featherington being caught up in the societal expectations to find a suitor, she feels like her hands are tied. She has to admit defeat that for her the time to allow her mother to put in her the mix to be married is unavoidable. For many of us, this feeling of comparison to those around us may sound very familiar.
However, finding a partner over the fear of not being left behind in friendship groups can run the risk of settling with the wrong one. Kelley says, “Rushing to secure a romantic partner because your friends are coupled up can cause you to overlook red flags and deprioritise things that may be important to you.”
Olivia tells how after being sick of the few months of being the only single friend her group of six, she found herself messaging people for the sake of passing time or inviting a boy over out of pure boredom and lack of desire to actually see them. She says, “In hindsight I look at some of the people I showed interest in during that time and it was definitely out of boredom.
“There were definitely a few boys that I looking back I can see how I could’ve ended up getting into a relationship with during that time, and thank-god I didn’t. They would’ve ended horribly. So, I think it’s important to consciously try and find other things to spend your time that you genuinely enjoy doing, even if at first it did feel intimidating to do alone without he clutch of my closest friends around me. You will meet new friends too who will be single and like-minded people. Instead of dating just for the sake of mirroring those around you.”
21-year-old Izzy has always been single so has always known as the ‘single-friend’. She says, “I’ve never really put pressure on myself not to be single, I think others shouldn’t either. I think growing up with a single mum who has been my role model, means I’ve grown up seeing that as my normal too which I’m sure is a reason for why I am so independent.
“I understand why when all your friends are in relationship, it can feel lonely at times. I think it’s important to remember that most likely some of your friends will eventually also be single with you. There not all going to be in long-term relationships for their entire lives, it comes in waves. Their will come a day when you’re happy in love and they’re single. So don’t feel like you need to get in a relationship just because you’re the single friend, that’s how you end up in something for the sake of it, and to me that sounds worse than just enjoying your own company.”
Kelley says, “Societal expectations about age can pressure women to find a romantic partner. Even in modern times, there are still plenty of women who fear hitting the wall and not being able to find a partner.”
In today’s society it can feel like the stigma to find a partner and settle down is being erased and we’re quick to say that there is no longer the dooming pressure to be in a relationship. Luckily for many of us maybe this is the case. But, the inevitable impact of being the odd one out of any group situation can be really hard. it can’t be underestimated how much I may affect someone being the only single friend in a group where all your friends are happy in love. The research and insight from relationship educator Kelle shows that it is often unavoidable to ignore how being in that environment can heavily influence your own personal relationship choices.
“The cure to being a single friend isn’t to seek love out,” says Kelle. If the desire to find love comes from an authentic place, great. However, if it’s been inspired by the loss of community then the answer lies in cultivating a new community.”
Expert insight: Kelle Nelle
Kelle Nele is a sex and relationship educator and writer. She has written articles for readers digest uk, metro, lgbtqnation and other publications discussing all things relationships and sex.
